She acts like everything's alright.
She laughs at people's jokes, lends her stuff with a grin, does silly things with her friends and pretends she has a carefree life.
But if you look at her closely, you can see that every now and then she turns away from her group of friends. Her smile falters, and she becomes another person for a few seconds; a sad person. A person who is broken and damaged. But after a few depressing seconds, she inhales deeply and goes back to her group, smiling and joking around. She almost looks like she is actually happy. But if you look at her closely, you can see how spurious her smile really is and you can see all the wreckage behind that fake smile.
When she comes back home, she just turns off that mental switch holding all her emotions back, for some hours. She breaks down completely, letting all those feelings flood in.
Loneliness. Emptiness. Tiredness. Disappointment.
She can't exactly describe these feelings into words. She just gets so.....sad. So sad, that she shuts down completely. She stares blankly at the gray wall in front of her. And in that moment, it doesn't matter what you say to her. Because in that moment, she doesn't exist. Only a 'fat', 'weak', 'ugly', failure does.
It's not like she never tried. She went through therapy, stopped cutting herself and even believed she was actually improving. She read all the positive quotes she could find on Internet, and even posted them. But secretly, she didn't understand how to 'let it go', or 'leave your past behind'. She only wished that the people who wrote "Beauty isn't something to be found physically" or "Being unique and original is what you should be doing", could explain all this to the people around her.
Maybe one day, she really might understand all those positive quotes, and she'll get over it all eventually. Maybe even really soon. But that doesn't make it hurt any less right now.
Though despite the pain, and until That day, she'll show she's "fine:)". And until that day, she'll continue to smile, no matter how hurt she is.
She laughs at people's jokes, lends her stuff with a grin, does silly things with her friends and pretends she has a carefree life.
But if you look at her closely, you can see that every now and then she turns away from her group of friends. Her smile falters, and she becomes another person for a few seconds; a sad person. A person who is broken and damaged. But after a few depressing seconds, she inhales deeply and goes back to her group, smiling and joking around. She almost looks like she is actually happy. But if you look at her closely, you can see how spurious her smile really is and you can see all the wreckage behind that fake smile.
Loneliness. Emptiness. Tiredness. Disappointment.
She can't exactly describe these feelings into words. She just gets so.....sad. So sad, that she shuts down completely. She stares blankly at the gray wall in front of her. And in that moment, it doesn't matter what you say to her. Because in that moment, she doesn't exist. Only a 'fat', 'weak', 'ugly', failure does.
It's not like she never tried. She went through therapy, stopped cutting herself and even believed she was actually improving. She read all the positive quotes she could find on Internet, and even posted them. But secretly, she didn't understand how to 'let it go', or 'leave your past behind'. She only wished that the people who wrote "Beauty isn't something to be found physically" or "Being unique and original is what you should be doing", could explain all this to the people around her.
Maybe one day, she really might understand all those positive quotes, and she'll get over it all eventually. Maybe even really soon. But that doesn't make it hurt any less right now.
Though despite the pain, and until That day, she'll show she's "fine:)". And until that day, she'll continue to smile, no matter how hurt she is.
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