A lot of people misunderstand depression as a state of being constantly sad. They mistake it as something that's just when you're 'feeling low'. It's not.
When you're depressed, it's not just a bad mood. It's not something you have any control over and it's not situational. You can have a perfect life and yet be dealing with depression.
It's hard to explain depression to normal people who feel emotions the usual way, who have a sense of purpose in life or even who just want to live their life just for the sake of it, people who rightfully treat life as a gift. Because it is hard for them to fathom an absolute darkness that slowly creeps over you and fills you, draining you of all emotions. It takes everything from you, and leaves you feeling hollow and numb.
It's that feeling of wanting to cry and you don't even know why, and no stopping once you do start crying. Two hours, three hours. Muffling those sobs in your bed, in that washroom cubicle, in that corner of subway, just so no one overhears you crying and sees how pathetic you are. You would do almost about anything to not feel this way, to be normal, to be happy. You feel overwhelmingly trapped, and you see no way out of this void. It's neither sadness nor anger, just helplessness. It's an empty hollowness that leaves you feeling alone even in a room full of people. You feel like there's no hope left.
Cynthia Go, a beautiful poet, once accurately described depression:
"It is the feeling of tiredness that creeps on you even if you haven't done anything all day long. It's the crying spells that overtake you when you are finally left alone after a long day of pretending to be okay. It is waking up every 2AM with your thoughts all jumbled up and morose.... It is wanting to be somewhere that isn't part of 'here and now', wherever that is, at whatever point of time."
All of this becomes a whole lot worse when you've got depression induced anxiety, which legit fucks you up. You think about every single thing someone says to you twice, shit maybe even three times, trying to figure out if they were just lying to you too or if they really mean what they say. You have this constant anxiety which makes you overthink when they short text or take a while to reply.
At times, it makes you think people in your life are hiding something from you, or worse, are leaving you. You begin to feel abandoned, and not worth anything because the most important person/people in your life didn't want you. So you push away for fear of being hurt. You push them away so they can't discard you or leave you. When in reality, no one was leaving. Anxiety this bad, it makes you leave the ones you love.
The thing about having mental illness is that, you're aware that at a particular point, people are going to lose their patience. You know they can be understanding and loving and caring, but only for so long. If you keep going to them with the same issues, they're going to get tired one day. They're going to be done reassuring you all the time and/or being your support. And that is scary, not being able to count on anyone to be with you 100%, because people get bored, and they leave. So you avoid talking about your issues, just so you don't come off as annoying, hoping to extend the expiry date of their love and care. But it's hard to keep pretending everything is fine all the time, so you start avoiding them more and more, because neither do you want to annoy them with your issues, nor do you have the energy left to fake chill. You don't realize, but you're slowly distancing yourself from them, out of the very fear of losing them.
Do you now understand how fucked up a depressed mind is? Do you now understand how depression is more than just feeling sad? You can't just cheer up, and nothing helps you feel better. You can smile and laugh and still want to kill yourself, just so you can escape this complicated void.
It's hard to explain depression to normal people who feel emotions the usual way, who have a sense of purpose in life or even who just want to live their life just for the sake of it, people who rightfully treat life as a gift. Because it is hard for them to fathom an absolute darkness that slowly creeps over you and fills you, draining you of all emotions. It takes everything from you, and leaves you feeling hollow and numb.
It's that feeling of wanting to cry and you don't even know why, and no stopping once you do start crying. Two hours, three hours. Muffling those sobs in your bed, in that washroom cubicle, in that corner of subway, just so no one overhears you crying and sees how pathetic you are. You would do almost about anything to not feel this way, to be normal, to be happy. You feel overwhelmingly trapped, and you see no way out of this void. It's neither sadness nor anger, just helplessness. It's an empty hollowness that leaves you feeling alone even in a room full of people. You feel like there's no hope left.
Cynthia Go, a beautiful poet, once accurately described depression:
"It is the feeling of tiredness that creeps on you even if you haven't done anything all day long. It's the crying spells that overtake you when you are finally left alone after a long day of pretending to be okay. It is waking up every 2AM with your thoughts all jumbled up and morose.... It is wanting to be somewhere that isn't part of 'here and now', wherever that is, at whatever point of time."
At times, it makes you think people in your life are hiding something from you, or worse, are leaving you. You begin to feel abandoned, and not worth anything because the most important person/people in your life didn't want you. So you push away for fear of being hurt. You push them away so they can't discard you or leave you. When in reality, no one was leaving. Anxiety this bad, it makes you leave the ones you love.
Do you now understand how fucked up a depressed mind is? Do you now understand how depression is more than just feeling sad? You can't just cheer up, and nothing helps you feel better. You can smile and laugh and still want to kill yourself, just so you can escape this complicated void.
