It's 4:30 A.M. I turn my pillow over and find the other side just as wet. Sighing quietly, I push it away and wipe my face with the sleeve of my tee shirt for the millionth time. I have to get some sleep. No use crying anymore. I check my phone once more. Still online.
I thought back to the time when I didn't have to check my phone twice for his texts. How he used to call me up at nights to sing me to sleep. The time when you could see equal texts from both the sides. Proper conversations, oh how I miss those. I look at the small pillow I clutched tightly. A red heart-shaped pillow with "LOVE" written over it. If you zip through our old convos without waiting to read them, you'd mostly see heart-emojis zooming past after every 5th or 6th text exchange. And lots and lots of pictures. We kept each other a part of our lives that way, sending pics of the most random-est things we did. New haircut, the train coach during a journey, an Easter with cousins, or simply an evening in a comfy, loose tee. Now? Now it's mostly:
"Hey... busy?"
"Yeah working."
"Oh sorry."
Other than that, it's mostly me sending multiple texts about something I'm doing or reading and him replying with one word texts. But it's always my text, first and last, in every conversation these days. He doesn't even pick up my calls anymore.
I can understand the change. He already has a girl. And it's not like we ever dated. He made sure we didn't. A long distance relationship wasn't his thing. He's made it pretty clear he's grown out of his infatuation with me. And entering a relationship now was enough proof of it.
Then why is it so fucking hard for me to move on?! What's holding me back? We didn't have a relationship, never met each other, never held hands.
His voice repeats itself in my mind. Nothing profound, just the way he used to say my name, in this beautiful, deep, persuasive voice when he knew I was holding something back. Every time he used to use that tone on me, I would wish myself to melt away, it was such a soothing and pleasant sound, and knew in those moments that that was the only voice I wanted to ever speak my name.
I remember the time when he used to call me beautiful. He would never stop reminding me how much he liked talking to me. When asked why, he once said, "Because you're, in a way, perfect". I remember laughing, and then he told me he found me "homely".
"You're so easy to be around, to talk to", I remember him saying.
Then what happened now?!
I check the phone once more. He was still online, Probably talking to his girlfriend.
I wipe another tear as it slides down the side of my nose. Switching off the phone, I turn around and try to catch some overdue sleep, even if it only meant nightmares.
I thought back to the time when I didn't have to check my phone twice for his texts. How he used to call me up at nights to sing me to sleep. The time when you could see equal texts from both the sides. Proper conversations, oh how I miss those. I look at the small pillow I clutched tightly. A red heart-shaped pillow with "LOVE" written over it. If you zip through our old convos without waiting to read them, you'd mostly see heart-emojis zooming past after every 5th or 6th text exchange. And lots and lots of pictures. We kept each other a part of our lives that way, sending pics of the most random-est things we did. New haircut, the train coach during a journey, an Easter with cousins, or simply an evening in a comfy, loose tee. Now? Now it's mostly:
"Hey... busy?"
"Yeah working."
"Oh sorry."
Other than that, it's mostly me sending multiple texts about something I'm doing or reading and him replying with one word texts. But it's always my text, first and last, in every conversation these days. He doesn't even pick up my calls anymore.
I can understand the change. He already has a girl. And it's not like we ever dated. He made sure we didn't. A long distance relationship wasn't his thing. He's made it pretty clear he's grown out of his infatuation with me. And entering a relationship now was enough proof of it.
Then why is it so fucking hard for me to move on?! What's holding me back? We didn't have a relationship, never met each other, never held hands.
His voice repeats itself in my mind. Nothing profound, just the way he used to say my name, in this beautiful, deep, persuasive voice when he knew I was holding something back. Every time he used to use that tone on me, I would wish myself to melt away, it was such a soothing and pleasant sound, and knew in those moments that that was the only voice I wanted to ever speak my name.
I remember the time when he used to call me beautiful. He would never stop reminding me how much he liked talking to me. When asked why, he once said, "Because you're, in a way, perfect". I remember laughing, and then he told me he found me "homely".
"You're so easy to be around, to talk to", I remember him saying.
Then what happened now?!
I check the phone once more. He was still online, Probably talking to his girlfriend.
I wipe another tear as it slides down the side of my nose. Switching off the phone, I turn around and try to catch some overdue sleep, even if it only meant nightmares.
