The Perpetual Woe

I have problems, yes. I have issues I'm trying to deal with. I know what hurts me, I know what breaks me, I know people who feel the same and I know I'm not alone. But that never stopped me from feeling lonely, from feeling all the hurt, from dragging myself through nights of intense suffering and tears and pain.
Every once in a while, I meet someone who I think can fix me. I choose this person, I direct all my love towards this person, all the affection I'm capable of is all for this one person. I see this person, and my heart lights up with happiness that I thought I never deserved. Turns out, I was right in assuming that I did not, in fact, deserve that happiness. I choose this person, but this person doesn't choose me. I open up to this person, my mind deluded into believing that this is The One. That I'll never open up to another person and this person is the only one who deserves all of me. Opening up to someone doesn't only mean discussing my issues with them, but also attempting to make them a part of my life. I send this person screenshots of chats with other people, tell them about my friends, send them memes that amuse me and quotes that I can relate to. I wrongly believe that this person is the one who will never hurt me.

I couldn't be more off-mark in my judgement. I incorrectly assume I will reap their love, just because I love them so. I end up shattered when the harsh reality hits me. I feel like Calypso, stranded on her lonely island, with no one to share her thoughts with. Even when a hero finally comes along, he's cursed to be unable to stay and he eventually leaves her. It's either her or the world, and every time, the hero chooses the world. But unlike her, I don't have the luxury to wallow in self-pity. I don't have the right to say, "I wish I knew how it felt being someone's first choice" because there were people who did put me first, who did treat me like their first choice, but I never treated them right. So maybe this is just Karma for not loving people right.
But isn't Karma supposed to be balanced? You hurt one person, and one person hurts you?
There's so much turmoil inside this little heart, and the anxiety in my head just makes it worse. This vicious cycle between self-pity and guilt doesn't get any better when you constantly have this voice inside your head that keeps telling you that no one ever truly loved you, and no one ever will, just because you're a pathetic mess.


Every time I confide in someone about all this, they end up leaving. Even if they don't, they try to stick around only out of pity. And that makes it worse to move on, because if you had left I would at least have had some reason to hate you. I could blame you for abandoning me when I trusted you but I can't.
Because you chose to stay.

You said you love me (but apparently not enough to call me yours) and that hurts more. Because I'll only fall deeper for you, and the fact that you're so close yet so far will eat me up inside until there's nothing left to feel. That's the day I walk out on you. I'll feel empty until the day I meet someone else, and eventually I'll repeat all my mistakes and let this someone else fuck me up too.
I just want to get out of this cycle of endless pain, but I don't know how to. I want to feel okay, but it sucks to know that you're the only one who can make me feel so. It sucks because you're the one who has the potential to hurt me the most too.
I don't want this. I just want to be happy, please.
Please.