There are two types of people in this world (actually there are many, many different types of people in this world, but for the sake of the theme of this post, let's simplify the shit and keep it to two, okay?) : those who are proud and/or happy with the changes that have transpired in or around them, and those who hate the person they've turned into and feel guilty that their younger version wouldn't be proud of them.
I'm the latter kind. Well, not so much guilty about not being able to impress my younger self, than envying it. I am really jealous of the person I used to be, because honestly, I was a real chill person to hangout with. I was pretty ugly back then, and my cool attitude just kind of crossed it to make my life a bitter-sweet trudge, because I was fun enough to make guys constantly want to talk to me, but my ugly face made sure that they never liked me enough to want to date me. So basically, I would end up in that friendzone when they neither want to be associated with me romantically in public, but would come crawling to me on DMs just to make their day better, or to simply have a good time in general.
And I know exactly why that doesn't happen anymore.
Back then, I never tried too hard. Sure, I still liked pleasing people back then. Since the start, I had always loved the feeling of being considered cool, or popular. The very thought that I mattered to people, mattered to me. But despite that, I never pushed too far. I knew when someone did not think of me as highly as I would've preferred them to, but I never gave myself hell over it. Sure, it put a little damper on the mood sometimes, but I never used to let it get to me too bad. And I think it's very natural to let things affect you a bit, from time to time. And maybe that's why people flocked to me. Because I was cool enough to not stress over the little bits in life, but not cold enough to be an emotionless brick. Plus, the only things I used to lose my shit over, were for completely rational reasons, and that was validated by a number of friends. So all in all, I was this really nice person who knew how to take jokes and tell good stories and be witty on text, but at the same time, would get a hell lot of respect for not taking any unnecessary shit from anyone.
But now? Now I'm reduced to this depressed and anxious wreck who is so sooo conscious of people not liking her, that I could give Colin Singleton (An Abundance of Katherines) a run for his money when it came to feeling insecure all the damn time. Now, I would end up crying silently in the taxi all the way home about how none of my friends love me enough, after spending an entire day laughing and joking with them. Getting left on Read while texting is enough of a reason to ruin my day, because the thought 'THEY DONT CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOU TO EVEN BOTHER REPLYING' keeps spinning round and round in my head like a loud, annoying siren. I'm constantly worried about my friends getting tired of me, and leaving me behind. I have abandonment issues so intense and overwhelming, that I feel ashamed even discussing them with other people, because I feel they'll constantly see me as a needy, clingy, perpetually sad burden, which I probably am. And I don't want to drive them further away.
I know these thoughts are probably because of my mental state, and 90% of it is just a paranoid, illogical mess. And that's why I wish I could go back to being the way I was. Caring only to the point that was harmless. Because even though I haven't totally transformed suddenly into an unrecognizable hottie, at least I am not painful to look at anymore. And with this slightly significant improvement, and my old attitude, I can imagine quite a few boys who wouldn't probably grimace at the thought of dating me. And maybe that might boost my confidence and rid me of my abandonment issues, and maybe that'll solve everything.
But the only problem is, I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to be my old self again, and I don't know if I'll ever be.
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