What It Really Feels Like

You'll laugh at me. You'll probably joke about it. You won't believe me. You'll think I'm doing it for attention. And yet you'll blame me for not talking it out with you when I start distancing myself because I once did. I really tried and all you did was ridicule me.

You don't understand how it feels, you won't ever get me. You'll tell me to stop over thinking. You'll tell me to be positive and not focus on the bad things. But you don't get it. I can not help it. My mind keeps telling me things I should not believe. It keeps telling me that you don't want me around. Even if you shout,"BUT I DO! I LOVE YOU!" and drown out that voice, it'll change. One day, you'll get tired of shouting, one day you'll get tired of holding on. One day you'll get tired. And you'll leave. You're gonna walk away and leave me behind and even if that's what I told myself all along, even if I knew it from the start, it's still going to break me. And I'll be left here, all alone with my mind which won't stop telling me how worthless I am, how no one needs me, how people can do without me, how people have other people, how I can always be replaced. It just overwhelms me that nobody actually wants me around. I'm not saying that everyone hates me, but I don't feel wanted. I feel like people just deal with my existence, and that I'm nobody's special person and if I'm gone, it won't even make a difference, because nobody legitimately needs me. You can always get a new special person. People get bored, they let go, the move on to the next new person and it's scarily sad that I haven't made a mark on someone's life yet. I haven't ever made a person go,"This girl. I don't know if it'll ever be the same without her. I don't ever wanna find out." Even if I did, well, clearly it must've changed. Because at one point, you got done. You did want to find out how it'll be without me. And evidently, you liked it better. You liked your life better without so much of me in it. That's why we drifted apart, didn't we? Because I was always here. It's you who got tired of me. It's you who broke the promises of never walking out when I got too difficult.
You kept me on your shelf, to return to me when you have no one else to turn to. I used to be your first priority, and what hurts is that things have changed but only for you. And I'll just wait here, until someone new comes along with their false promises of forever love and patience. And I'll believe their temporary is permanence. And it'll start all over again, the new You is going to walk away too. My paranoia is going to push you away again and I won't ever stop hurting, with or without you. My brain is never going to stop telling me that I'm worthless, I'll always be feeling alone, I  won't ever be able to talk it out with you, because I'll be scared of annoying you away.

 Always torn between wanting to tell you how low I always feel or keeping it to myself. There's only so much you can listen to, there's only so much you can understand. I get how hard it can be to fathom how a person can be so unhappy all the damn time. On the other hand, I can keep it all to myself and end up distancing myself from you, pushing you away. Also, pretending everything is fine is to ignore who you are and lose yourself. I don't mean depression is my personality, but it has taken over it. I vaguely remember how I used to be, who I really was before all this but I can't recall what it feels like to be truly happy anymore.
So tell me what do I do? Which is better? To have friends who think you're a sad, hopeless shell and have them get tired of you? Or to drown in your mind?