He threw his phone across the bed, his chat with Elaine still lit up on the screen.
How many times had he tried to keep people in his life? How many times has he tried to hold on when people just walked out on him?
He stood up and went to pick up the phone, going through the chat once more where she just blandly replies to his texts in monosyllables and then hits him with a, "I don't think our friendship is working out anymore" when he tried to talk to her about it.
His mind went back to all the times other people had similarly dropped him and left, saying he seemed to be too "attached" and "overwhelming". But he could see the attachment only showed when people started distancing themselves. He knew what was going on, he knew perfectly. People liked the newness of friendship, they liked to stick around as long as you were a mystery to them. But as soon as you open up, as soon as you let them in, they get to know you. And either you're too dynamic for them or it's too boring now that there's no "mystery element" left to you.
Oh how he now wished to be just like them. To easily give up on people and let 'em go when you've scraped through every part of them, or at least the amount you can handle.
But he couldn't do that. When he loved a person, he loved with all his heart. He gave all to a person and found them just as beautiful in the end as much as he did the first time he met them. And that's what led him to build expectations that people would stay and care and put in equal efforts, the very expectations that later broke his soul, bit by bit.
He was a wreck. He had always been a wreck. And maybe that's why people abandoned him. Maybe they were scared to come so close to a swirling mass of misery and sadness. That's why he kept it hidden. No one knew that under the jovial smile and the petty jokes was there a person so lost in sadness. But the few people he trusted, few people he wished to lean on, they left him on the ground, crying and kicking himself for making the same mistakes again. And again.
"...and again."
He looked at his phone once more. Elaine was just another name in the endless list of people who played a share in breaking him apart. True he was already an "anxiety case" but the people who walked out on him when he needed them were the ones who made sure he'd be so broken that he'd never be whole again.
He wanted to fix himself, but he didn't know what was wrong. He couldn't figure out, for the life of him, how could he manage to drive off all those people out of his life. He wanted to pick himself on his own, but till he was ready to do that, he needed someone to sit down next to him and hold him tight while he cried it out. He wanted someone to just let him vent and in the end, to tell him what's wrong with him. So that he could make himself right and make sure no one leaves again.
He looked down at the bright screen. Chat head read 'Elaine'. That name was just another addition to the long list of people who gave up on him, and for some reason, he had a feeling it wouldn't be the last.
But till then, he would continue to love, and leave little pieces of himself in everyone he meets. Either they could come together and save him from his hell. Or, and more likely, he'd finally lose all of himself.
That would make it easier to just give up and leave it all behind for good.
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